Gaming’s Most Eligible Bachelorettes of 2013

April 4, 2013 | By | 3 Comments

Women are starting to empower our industry more frequently than we’re used to, and this is a great thing. Not only does this allow for a higher potential of finding a mate, but it’s not longer a sausage fest waiting for a bad guy to show up or a weapon to drop. Now, we can kick ass in a multitude of ways. Sadly, the same issues plaguing men of this company are also plaguing the women — too much time dedicated to pillaging, ending governmental oppression, saving lives, and destroying bad guys — and not enough time to find love.

It’s cool though, we’ve compiled our list of eligible bachelorettes for 2013 and hopefully one day, they’ll meet some of our eligible bachelors too.

Confidence is always sexy and Ellie exudes it in spades. This Pandora gearhead is unlike any other and has no problem taking what she wants, doing what she wants, and crushing the shit out of anyone who pisses her off in her trusty trash compactor. Just be warned that she’s related to Scooter, and that could lead to some awkward advances.

Lara Croft
Lara has done a lot of soul searching as of late and has definitely reconnected with her inner-badass that we all grew up to know and love. This vivacious British young lady never goes anywhere without her natural instincts, need to raid tombs, and witty attitude. It’s going to take a quick footed fellow to keep up with this girl, but she’s filthy rich and can provide a great, non-stop adventure. So, you know, it’s kind of worth the effort.

A lot of guys in this industry are often stuck with inept partners, so when Elika came onto the scene it was like a breath of much needed fresh air. Elika is not only beautiful, but possesses raw climbing talents and the ability to pull you back from the brink of death. She’s basically perfect and ten times cooler than a vampire since nothing but old age can kill you and you’ll still be able to enjoy food.

A beautiful singing voice, loves reading, Paris, and did we mention that she can tear holes through time and space itself? Because she can. Elizabeth is always going to be there to supply you with money, supplies, and bandaids on your quest to being all that you can be. She rarely gets in the way, and her odd ability to pick any lock can often come in handy. We know she’d be best friends with Garrett, but, unfortunately, they’re unlikely to ever meet.

Once married to Mordecai, one of our eligible bachelors, Moxxi left him for Handsome Jack. As many of you know, that didn’t work out too well and Moxxi was left standing with nothing more than a run down bar and the desire to one day own another battleground to watch others kill each other. Moxxi is unlikely to put up with your shit and is more than likely going to leave you to rot on the side of the road once she gets an Underdome back, but it’s cool, she delivers the goods until then.

Sadly, Nariko is never going to be a profitable option if you’re looking to become a power couple. While she will run well and has an amazing ability to cut people to pieces, her staying power is slim-to-none and she’s often forgettable. Though she may surprise you by taking in an orphan or two to raise into creepy adolescence, you should also know that they’ll do what they can to ensure your survival. Maybe one day, she’ll have another chance to find love — but right now, it’s going to need to find her.

Faith Connors
Faith is the perfect example of a woman everyone loves, but nobody wants to commit to. Most can see that she is incredibly unique, brings a new feel to your life, and does things most other women don’t. Unfortunately, none of this can help lead to a prolonged relationship and there is a good chance it will be cut short or stop before it really gets going. Sometimes bitches be trippin’, but Faith is always free running in stride.

It goes without saying that everyone loves a woman who can bake. However, while GLaDOS says that she loves certain pastries, these claims seem to be completely unfounded. She’s a woman who loves puzzles and is looking for great company, but may try to kill you every once in a while if you’re not willing to do what she wants. Oddly enough, she can feel like a stranded divorcee who has been screwed over a couple of times. Regardless, she’s a steal and comes packaged with some really cool friends and weaponry.

Samus Aran
It’s the man you really dig, until you realize it’s a woman and then you love her. This blond, potential, bombshell is great at going to war and finishing them. She’s equipped with an arsenal of great skills like the ability to jump and take a bullet. These are amazing qualities that any guy looking for a little fun should want from a woman. Unfortunately, her last couple of adventures haven’t been as stellar and this cougar is looking to be running out of gas.

Commander Shepard
Kind, caring, cutthroat, ruthless, and bi-polar. These are great words to describe Shepard because, to be honest, she’s exactly like that box of chocolates your mother warned you about. It’s hard to tell which Shepard you’re going to get each day, but it’s easy to tell by keeping a close eye on her facial features. Despite being beautiful, her face tells you everything you need to know about what you can expect. This also makes her a tremendously shitty poker player.