Gaming’s Most Eligible Bachelors of 2013

April 4, 2013 | By | 1 Comment

Video games are filled with great guys who do things that us mere mortals can only dream of doing. While we wish we could go on crazy treasure hunts, save the princess or world, and defeat a bunch of enemies — we simply can’t. Unfortunately, this job that they carry out takes up a lot of time and doesn’t leave much time left for love and romance. Thankfully, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to compile a list we’ll release on a yearly basis that brings these bronzed men to the forefront for potential suitors to line up.

We’d love to hear who you’re most interested in and if we left out the main man you’re targeting with a Pokeball. Maybe one day, they’ll meet our eligible bachelorettes?

Nathan Drake
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Known more-so by his last name than his first, Drake is predominantly associated with being a smartass who spends his time hunting down family secrets and vast treasures to fund his next escapade. While he has had several love interests and suitors, Nathan remains unattached and still seeking his significant other. Obviously, fans of his would have him hook up with Lara Croft, but they’re from two different game universes, and that would be ridiculous.

Marcus Fenix
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Marcus, despite his steroid-filled looks, is a pretty intelligent guy and is known to make decisions based on raw instincts rather than emotion. Despite not knowing the true fate of his father, Fenix was capable of leading a team of elite soldiers known as COGs against the Locust horde. We’re not too sure what he likes to do when he’s not chainsawing things in half, but we’re sure it includes Maroon 5 and Rom-Com movies.

Kratos
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There is no way around this. Kratos is going to bang chicks and slit throats regardless of whether or not he has “feelings” for you. In fact, we’re not even sure Kratos has feelings to begin with; the best way to describe his range of emotions is rage-to-anger. It’s quite possible that Kratos will never love again, but if you’re a glutton for punishment, he’s definitely right up your alley.

Booker DeWitt
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This all depends on which Booker DeWitt you’re getting. Obviously we can’t spoil anything for the ladies here (or men), but Booker does come with a lot of baggage. If you’re wanting to live near the poverty line due to debts unpaid, DeWitt is definitely a winner. Then again, this rugged man does have the ability to provide for his family and fight his way through pretty much anything. However, be warned, he’d trade you for a slice of the pie in a heartbeat. He’s kind of a double-edged sword.

Mordecai
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It’s easy to say that Mordecai is a drunk and a lover of animals, mainly birds. However, he’s definitely not an abusive drunk and has no problem taking care of the ladies. Unfortunately, he may never recover from losing his best friend forever, Bloodwing. This will leave you as second place in his life even as you continue to live and breathe. Equipped with a sniper rifle and the desire to seek out revenge at all costs, he could end up being a partner you can’t exactly rely on.

Link
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Tired of Zelda’s constant bullshit of being unwilling to put out, Link finds himself often alone in his chambers. Because of this, Link is on the market and looking for a lady willing to reciprocate his feelings. He comes across as a great guy and kind of pervy to an extent, but his other great qualities often trumps that out. Thankfully, Link is always going to be there for you when you need him and if you’re ever in trouble, he’ll do his best Liam Neeson impression and recover you swiftly — Kind of like his buddy Mario, but ten times more impressive.

Gordon Freeman
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If theoretical physicists are your thing and Sheldon Cooper just isn’t doing it for you, then Gordon Freeman should be a desirable second choice. Gordon is a man of very few words, and some say they’ve never heard him actually speak at all. If you’re able to crack this tough nut and get a few choice words out of him, then you’re probably destined to be together forever. Thankfully, Gordon isn’t around much, so if you’re the type of person looking for a lot of personal space in a relationship Freeman will have you feeling like a free (wo)man a lot.

Ash Ketchum
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We’d like to say that Ash is a normal guy, but he’s not. He keeps weird company and has a crazy ass obsessive compulsive disorder that forced him to want to collect everything. While his attachment to wild animals is unorthodox, it does mean he’s an animal love, which should be a hit with the ladies. Ash looks young for his age and while he should be like 35 by now, he still looks like he’s struggling to get out of high school.

Ryotaro Dojima
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A rugged detective, Ryotaro Dojima is a widowed wreck of a man who has trust issues and has never really gotten over the loss of his wife. It’s also worth mentioning that he does has an over-bearingly annoying kid who sings department store jingles ad nauseum and makes you want to eat your face off. Despite this massive baggage, Dojima is an overall great guy who loves giving away money and bringing home corner store-bought food as dinner.

Dante
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This candidate barely made the list and only did so because, despite all of his flaws, he does bring a lot to the table. Of course, this quantity that he brings is more-so in personas than actual quality. Dante, unfortunately, has two personalities and we’re unsure which you’ll get. He’s either going to be an demon ass-kicking badass or the over-the-top emo looking thug who still gets the job done. For some reason, we feel like you lose either way.

  • http://twitter.com/Leeatard Lee Mangrum

    Mordecai? Over Roland, or even Axton? Both seem a little more “eligible” to me. Hell, Lilith seemed to think so in Roland’s case.


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